His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
