3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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