Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
