Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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