guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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