Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
