my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
