this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
