Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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