Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess