the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Drake has all the answers
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
