So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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