I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
