I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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