My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
