google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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