i wish my penis had a tongue
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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