my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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