I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
