Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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