just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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