True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
