she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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