I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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