hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
worst night to have a conscience
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.