I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Randomize
