fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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