You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
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Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize