do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
