my phone needs a breathalizer
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
