3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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