Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
