Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
