if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
