Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
