her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize