she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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