So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.