He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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