Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
