so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
