No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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