Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
