Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
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I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
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Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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