I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
