I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
