I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
