three words: i give head
three words: not that well
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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