I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
