im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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