hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
FUCK WHALES
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
