He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm both gender and math confused
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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