I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
