so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
