You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
