i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
