how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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