I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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